New Tech

Why even practice?

New technology, new pharmaceuticals, new strategies... you deserve to know the latest ideas to help you learn and play well without really trying.

You may have read my earlier article about ways to unlearn, or cure stagefright. When I heard that some players I know were actually taking pills, beta-blockers, to avoid stagefright, it got me thinking… Maybe we could devise drugs or gadgets not only to relieve stress, but to replace practicing altogether?

There are plenty of learning aids out there, gadgets to keep a bow on track, to fit the bow hand into a corrective mold, to electronically play the next note of a tune every time you tap on a drum, autotune to correct a singer’s pitches…

Well, here are some new products I thought up. They are so advanced they haven't been developed yet.

Magnetic Tune Teacher

Electromagnets are embedded in the fingerboard and activated based on a programmed piece of music, kind of like a player piano. Magnets in the student's fingers are drawn to the right place at the right time for the right amount of time, thus teaching their fingers to play the music, or covering for them if they forget. (One slight drawback is the minor surgery required to insert the finger magnets.) This system focuses on getting the right note, rather than on avoiding the wrong note, so it is more constructive, and less bloody, than other mechanical ideas such as placing upside-down thumbtacks where the fingers should NOT be placed. (Note: I did not make this one up! A thumbtack scheme was actually tried once by a music camp teacher, who was immediately fired.)

Tune Pills

Building on advanced memory research pinpointing the sites and structures in the brain which retain musical patterns, these pills make it a snap for the victim, I mean the fiddler, to learn musical patterns overnight. Just take the proper pill (e.g. "broken thirds going up for three steps, then proceeding down 6 major scale notes", or "minor scale up 4 steps, dropping a sixth and then back to original note") and you will find it simple to learn that pattern the next morning. Alternatives to these pills are also available but are much more expensive and difficult, including hypnosis and practicing. (If you’re a fan of the Wizard of Oz series, you’ll recall that this is a bit like Prof. H.M. Wogglebug, T.E.’s learning pills!)

Musical Tuneup Juice

No, this isn't about tuning the instrument, it's about tuning up a fiddle student's musical "engine" so he or she can relax, listen, try, and retain instruction better from a lesson, or at least go away feeling better about the lesson. It comes in several options: Guinness, Bud, Johnny Walker Red, and for certain fiddle styles, Southern Comfort.

Grace-Note Restraint System

A simple gadget wrapping a small but comfortable patented rubber-band-like strap around the little finger in preparation for the moment that a grace note is needed, at which time a patented release mechanism releases the finger for a sharp tap at a precisely timed moment for the perfect grace note without need to worry the fiddler about those pesky, tiny, hardly readable notes. An optional patented attachment allows a fiddle teacher or other designated accomplice to release the restraint for the student, and a new version includes a wireless mechanism which can be activated nonchalantly while sitting in a session or performance.

Distraction Foot Pedal

A discreet foot pedal activates a recording of a distracting noise such as a siren, a series of bad coughs, or a screeching heating or air conditioning fan suddenly going on. This is useful when about to perform a part of a tune you don't really know. A newer alternative is under consideration, which remotely turns on all cell phones in the vicinity and activates their most annoying rings.

Bow Tape*

The bow hairs are replaced by lifelike "hairs" which function like a computer hard drive as you bow across the newly manufactured "strings" which actually pick up the digital signals and play sampled fiddling through an excellent minispeaker hidden in the f-hole of the violin. The bow speed and direction controls your tempo and volume; a code tapped out by your left hand determines which "hair" is turned on, which tune and key to play, and also makes it look like you're actually playing. Perfect fiddling every time you happen to get it all right.

If you have any new ideas under development, please leave a comment so we can come to the aid of future generations!

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* This has been done, sort of, but it doesn’t really sound like a real fiddle! You’re welcome to check out the video below of performance artist/violinist Laurie Anderson demonstrating her Bow Tape Violin…